Growing Pains: Letting Go of Control and Accepting Feedback
Last week, I was reminded that growing is sometimes uncomfortable and painful.
In the physical world, we need to stretch our muscles and push them to their limit for them to grow. Growing emotionally is the same too.
In the past week, difference circumstances that have presented opportunities for growth also touched a few raw nerves. I felt unstable and shaky, like trying a new yoga pose for the first time. I knew I wasn’t good at dealing with these particular issues. But at the same time, I wanted to get better. As uncomfortable as these things were, they were helping me grow.
Growing through learning to let go of control
In the past week, one of our foster cats, Perri, had four trips to three different vets. We were trying to diagnose a chronic kidney condition, which required blood tests, x-rays, and ultrasounds.
Going through those trips triggered memories of caring for Rumi when he had struvite crystals in his bladder. It involved showing up at night in the emergency ward because he was so sick he couldn’t walk, and sponging urine off his fur because he lost control of his bladder. I saw a happy, playful cat turn into a miserable, sad-looking cat and could sense his embarrassment at wetting himself, and his gratitude at being cleaned with a wet, warm towel.
As Perri began to lose her appetite and have trouble going to the toilet, she began to lose her energy as well. From playfully running around with her daughter Gemma when the zoomies struck every night, she went to spending most of the day camping in her favorite cardboard box.
Once again, the same sense of uncertainty and frustration crept in. Will this last for weeks or months? What will happen to Gemma, if anything happens to her mother? Will she become depressed since they are so close? Are we doing enough to help Perri? Is there anything around the house causing her to be anxious or would she be in this condition even if we gave her the best possible environment?
Being present
Once again, I came to the same conclusion as I did with Rumi — that regardless of what happens, the only thing I can do is love this cat the best way I know how — whether it’s giving her cuddles, feeding her the best possible diet, or monitoring her symptoms closely.
I posted a quote on my Instagram today that said, “It is possible to choose peace over worry”. I added a caption sharing a popular quote. I’m not sure who the correct source is (Google searches reveal several different sources), so I’m just going to share the version I remember:
“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow — it empties today of its peace.”
In this moment, I have the privilege of spending time with my three foster cats — I get to feed them, stroke them, cuddle with them. Danger and death is not knocking on our doors right at this very instant. I realized that growing from this situation meant that instead of fretting about an unknown future, I can savor our moments today.
Accepting feedback as a gift
Another area in which growing has been really challenging and painful is in the area of feedback. While pursuing an MBA, I took a communications class in which I learned that feedback is a gift. The legendary investor Warren Buffet believed this too. He said that:
“Honesty is a very expensive gift; just don’t expect it from cheap people.”
I’ve always held this principle to be true in the workplace. I actively seek out and accept criticism of my work, and I strive to be better. However, it was only recently that I became aware of a blind spot that I have when it comes to receiving feedback — in my personal relationships.
When two dear people whose perspective I trust told me that I have a tendency to interrupt people when I’m talking in social settings, I did not take the feedback well. I struggled and saw it as a reflection of my value as a person. After all, I’ve been told for most of my life that I’m very empathetic, and that I have a kind and sensitive nature. Those things may well be true, but even good people can have bad habits.
What works at work doesn’t always work elsewhere
It took me a lot of self-reflection and observing myself in social settings to realize that I do have that habit. Ever since I was a child, I loved to think about how one idea could lead to another, and I often jump the gun in a conversation as a result. When a speaker is trying to explain a point, I’m already butting in with a “But why? What about…” (I’ve also recently learned that I have this tendency because according to Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies, I’m a Questioner.)
I’ve realized that while this trait may be valued in fast-paced, high-powered work settings, it’s not the most productive trait when trying to have heartfelt, open conversations at a slower pace. Admitting that to myself was hard. Swallowing my pride and adjusting my self-image (that sometimes, I don’t come across as that empathetic and kind when I’m interrupting other people) felt like eating a lump of coal.
But it also felt like how growing should feel. When your reach exceeds your grasp but you see the path forward. And this is only because someone has risked upsetting you and given you the gift of feedback.
In one way or another, we are always growing. Always learning. Always changing. If we don’t change, we’re dead. And so I’m grateful for this growth, grateful for these lessons. How have you been growing lately?
